Chocolate

Have you ever said "I don't see you as black/asian/latino" to a person of color?

I hear it all the time, and the worst part is, the people who say it don't realize that pretending to be colorblind is really belittling the person you're talking to.

I am white. I didn't choose to be white, but I was born that way.

My best guy friend is black, he didn't choose to be black.

Sandra Oh, the actress who plays my favorite character in TV history, she's Asian...Korean. She didn't choose to be.

We are all human. So we have different pigmentation, it doesn't mean that we don't have the same insides. Peel off our skin and you have muscle, veins, arteries, bones. That's what makes us human. Not our skin.

When MerDer fans found out that their precious ship was going to adopt a baby, and more to the matter, a 'black' baby, racial comments spewed all over the internet.

I sat there going, "good for them, they're finally going to have the family they wanted."
It was only after they saw beautiful Zola in Derek's arms that they came around, whats worse, is they acted like just a week ago they hadn't made hateful remarks.

  

You're going to see color. It's always going to be there right in front of you. What matters is what you do with what you see.
When I see a man, no matter what 'race' he may be, the first thing that goes through my head is whether I find him attractive. I like men, so it doesn't matter to me what shade your skin is, if I'm attracted to you then I'm attracted to you.
If you're black. Awesome. We'll have beautiful chocolate children together.

There is no 'ghetto' way of talking. There is proper English...and then there's not.

It's a little scary how naive people are to our past, to the way people of color are treated. Most white people I know take the fact that they are white for granted. They don't even give it a second thought.
I see acts of racism and discrimination every day, I don't understand how people can treat other people that way.

Money Money Money

Must be funny, in a rich mans world

Wealth; a great quantity or store of money, valuable possessions, property, or other riches.

I admit, when it comes to money I have been very lucky in life.  I can afford to splurge on little things I don't need and pamper myself once in a while. I drive a nice car, I live in a nice house, I buy nice things because I can. Does that make me wealthy? Maybe. But rich? I don't think it does.
Life doesn't deal you all the perfect cards, otherwise it would be too easy. Family has always been a problem for me. I never had that support system at home, never had that safe haven. In school kids were mean to me, at home my mother was mean to me; I couldn't win. I grew up quickly because I had to (maybe around the age of 5/6), it was either grow up or die, and I choose to live.
So I made some decisions I probably shouldn't have, risked my life with other things and then I just stopped caring what other people thought.
F*ck them. They think they're better than you? Let them. They wanna try and tear you down? Stand taller.
Money and valuables, they don't make you happy. They wont make you friends.
Wealth may be money, but it isn't the most important factor in your life. It'll make life easier, sure, but it won't make you happy. The richest person in the world, take a look at them, do they wear a smile on their face? There are plenty of people who share studio apartments with 3 people. They work hard, they don't earn money, but they're happy. They're loved.
Money is money. In the end we all die penniless.
So enjoy the life you have, wether you have hundred spilling out of your pocket or you're just getting by.
You just need to keep trying,  keep working but also stop and enjoy life (whatever life you have) from time to time.

Don't look at the persons wallet, look at their heart. Are they happy? Wealthy?
Which would you rather be; and you can't pick both

GLBTQAI

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, Questioning/Queer, Allied/Asexual, and Intersexed

Yesterday was the #DayofSilence. Hundreds of thousands of students nationwide took a vow of silence to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying, and harassment in their schools. As a proud supporter every year, I donned a sticker and watched proudly as handfuls of people around me, stronger than I am, stayed silent for the day.
It always moves me, seeing a bunch of people join together for something; working together for a common cause.

More than 30,000 Americans commit suicide each year, and 5,000 of these people are teenagers. 1 in 3 suicides amongst teenagers are committed by homosexual ones.

I proudly answered questions about the day, why I supported it, and explained any questions I could. I may be heterosexual, but we are ALL human. We are people. No one deserves to get bullied, no one deserves to feel so much pain that they feel like ending their life is the only answer. So if I can help in any way, shape, or form by answering a couple questions so that people are more informed, then that's what I'm going to do.

According to studies, homosexual teenagers are four times more likely to kill themselves than heterosexual teenagers, and eight if their parents are not accepting.

A girl, who I occasionally talked to stunned me that day. She flat out stated; "I hate gay people. They are disgusting." As I stared at her shocked the only response I could come up with was, "Why?" And she didn't have a response. "I don't know. I just do." I lost so much respect for her. Comments like that, hurtful statements. That is the reason why so many people feel scared to come out, ashamed.
It should not matter to anyone if someone was born with a penis and likes men, or was born with a vagina but knows in their soul that they are male. If every time you meet a new person you're looking at their pants instead of their eyes, you're not a good person. I'm gonna flat-out say it. I wouldn't care if I met someone who had two penises flailing around in their pants, it's the person inside. It's their soul, who they are that makes them a person. 

We all have one beating heart, skin; we cry, we smile and laugh and we feel. We are human. People. We hurt in the same ways.

I cannot fathom looking that girl in the eyes again, but I will. Cause I'm the bigger person, I understand that everyone is different, and factors play into everything we believe and don't believe. But I will not stand for bullying, for pain, just because two people of the same sex happen to be in love. Just because a guy wears a bra, shaves his legs and puts on heels. Bullying is unacceptable. Suicide is unacceptable. Another life lost to torture and pain is unacceptable. 

**Even though I cannot stand Arizona, this is cute.

I love food

Every culture has it's own specialty;
Russian Borscht, Italian Pasta, Spanish Rice
but every subculture has its own specialty too;
Your moms brownies, Grandmas soup, or even your younger cousins mud pies.

Me? I love food. I love to cook, I LOVE to eat
and I love to watch people cook. I will try anything once...and more than once...and more than twice. I feel it is impossible for me not to like a certain food, I just need to find the perfect combination.

"Trying new things adds years to your life"
I get kind of annoyed with people who refuse to try a food because it looks funny or they don't like an ingredient.

It's food! It has a 95% chance of being delicious...HOW DO YOU SAY NO?!
So yes it is a little awkward sometimes being the only one at the table ordering something I can't pronounce while others stay safe with a salad. Then I shovel it down, enjoying every last bite.
I love food, I love eating.
Pizza bores me, unless I'm in Italy, sitting on a beach 'Italian' Pizza in hand.
McDonald's is disgusting, as is all fast food.
I try new things, I'll combine the most random ingredients and it'll taste delicious, but it may have some awkward green color and others will run in the other way.
Give me rabbit, grasshopper and escargot. Excite me.

Maybe it's because I tend to take more risks in my every day life that I have no problem chowing down on some bull testicles. What's the worst that can happen? I'm not gonna die? Some cultures live off this stuff every day. Why be close minded? Because our society shelters us? No. I refuse to live in a closed off world.

So the next time someone offers you something slimy, green, and maybe even smelly don't say no.
Take it. Live life on the edge. It's only food.

You are who you are

So sociologists and psychologists have this whole thing with "Nature" v "Nurture", are we who we are because we are born that way, or is the society around us what molds us into the horrible monsters angels that we are?
Me? I'm more for Nurture. Sure we can be born with some things (ie. diseases) but many are easy to change. Nurture on the other hand, nurture is everything. It's what you see, what you learn. It is you.

Would you be who you are today if you had different parents? If you were raised in a different country?
If I never watched a single episode of Grey's Anatomy, if my mother wasn't a heartless, cold [insert really bad word], if I were to have had friends when I was younger instead of creating my own worlds, and writing; would I still be me?
No, I'd be a different me.

Yes, I was born with blue eyes and blonde hair, that is my 'nature', but No that doesn't make me who I am. There are colored contacts, there is hair dye––which I am a prominent user of; and why do we change ourselves? Because society tells us to, in little itty bitty hints, whenever a new show or movie or ad comes out. 'Be skinny' They tell us 'Eat Organic'.
Everywhere you turn, bam, society, shoving helpful hints of who you should be and what you should eat, wear, do.

Me? I'm outgoing, but I blush like a madwoman even when I don't actually feel embarrassed...I have nightmares about television shows and I care way too much about fictional characters. I like blood, dead people, I have a passion for writing but all those things about me, they would be different. If even just one thing had been changed about my life when I was younger, things would be different.

I'm too attached to fictional characters

I'm mainly blogging this because when I was growing up, I was told it was better to tell your bad dreams (to a sink or a toilet) and it would make them go away.
So yes you, you are my toilet.

Anywhoo....
So I had this dream

There's a solemn song playing in the background, some sad music to make you tear up as you stare at a blank hallway of a hospital. You find yourself listening to your deep breaths as you worry what will happen once the camera stops moving and something will appear. There's a shot on Alex's face, close up, he looks confused, upset, hopeful, hurt and a whole lot of emotions that somehow still end up looking adorable. His eyes are wet, but he's not crying, pupils are shaking. You start crying watching him, because you know sh*t is about to go down. Your hands are ripping apart little pieces of the tissue in your hand, heart beating out of your chest making those lub-dub noises they sometimes play in voice over. The camera moves to a vaguely familiar face that you never expected to see on this show again. Her hair is almost at her shoulders, wavy. She has bags under her eyes, but they're smiling up at him. You scream, fangirl heart giddy with glee, and start to cry...nay, bawl just staring at her face. Her lip trembles as it curls into a smile.
"Izzie." Shot to Alex, who has more water in front of his cornea than one would think possible. You bring your nails into your mouth, chowing down on them as your whole body shakes anxiously. The music cooing you in the background.
"Alex." Close up on her face, tears falling onto her smile. She steps forward. Mid shot on both of them, inches apart. You find yourself drawn closer, holding in your tears and your breath, waiting. She lifts a hand to his face, it stops mid way, wary. His hand meets it, fingers wrapping over her delicate palm. He brings it up to his face. You're basically puking tears and happiness. Adrenaline pumping through your veins. His lips part, slowly pressing against her fingers. Tears (finally) falling from his eyes. She wraps her arms behind his neck, foreheads touching.
"Izzie." His husky voice whispers. Their noses meet.
"I love you." You're on your knees shirt wet from all the joy you've been crying and you start hysterically sobbing as she says the words you never thought you'd hear from her again. Lips swim against each other as he presses her toward him.
The music stops, the beat changing to something far less hopeful and far more melancholy. Alex pulls away, face wet with their tears, and looks at her. She lets her eyes stay open for a while before they sweep closed. Another voice/sound over. Her last breath escaping her chest. She falls limp in his hands.
Your heart stops. Body freezing and feeling numb as it all hits you. She's dying.
Nooo you scream. Get me out of this nightmare! I don't want to see this anymoreee
His hands grip against her shoulders. Her head falling back, blonde hair bobbing. You see his chest rise as he starts to cry, hands shaking as he lays her gently on the floor. His hand smooths out her hair, wrapping loose strands behind her ear. He bends his head, letting his ear gravitate above her nose, waiting for a breath, looking for a rising chest. His hand wipes the moisture off his face, clasping against his eyes.
Long shot, her on the floor, not moving. Him, hovering over her, bawling.
You've managed to find a pillow and are holding it in your hand, squeezing the life out of it. You're rocking back and forth, not breathing.
He rises, pressing both palms to her chest as he rocks back and forth, pushing the life back into her. He mutters swears under his breath, and you wonder how he can see what he's doing with those waterfalls coming out of his eye sockets.
Close up on his hands as he lets go, looking for her to breathe on her own. She doesn't.
You scream (pointlessly) COME ON DAMMIT.
He calls for help, eyes locked on the lifeless face of the wife he will never stop loving. Mark appears, shirtless, why? because he can be. He brings an AED, long shot as they strip her shirt (who knew my dreams were so polite). Close up on the two hands in pray position on Alex's face. We hear Mark yell clear and then a zap.
Your pillow is in half, laying next to you on the floor as you rip the hair from your skull.
Another clear, another flat line.
Mark sighs and you break down, because if shirtless Mark cant help you than no one can.
Alex glares at him, pushing the paddles aside and going back to CPR.
Mark stands, pulling Alex away. He fights him, sobbing. Mark wraps two (very sexy muscular arms) around him, pulling him away. Nurse Eli appears, to help hold down Alex...because it takes two to hold down a wrestling king.
You cant breathe, you consider calling 911 yourself. Then Cristina appears, a vision in perfectly ironed blue scrubs. She bends to check a non responsive pulse and gives Alex a pouty sad look. Then everything goes black

I wake up and basically I end up crying for a day and a half.


What was the point of this? Oh, right, I'm too attached to fictional characters. Is this what society has come to? A bunch of TV addicts who think the people on their TV's are real (yeah yeah, I know their not...doesn't make me any less crazy). I mean here I am having extremely vivid and lifelike dreams of watching TV, an episode that my head made up, and I'm not only crying, I'm hyperventilating; and I'm not only crying and hyperventilating in my dream I wake up and I'm a mess, and I stay a mess. Me thinks that's a problem.

But seriously...HOW CAN YOU NOT GET ATTACHED TO THIS?
(start this beauty at :30)

We are all going to die

It's a pretty hard subject. Death. You are born, you live, you die. I mean that's it. For most of life we're confused and lost, we're babies.
It's naive and juvenile to think anything other than death is imminent. We are put here on this earth, we are born and created for nine months, nurtured through our toddler years, cared for in our preteens. We rebel in our teens, against parents, against the world. Then we enter the world on our own, some of us succeed and others, others fail. But succeeding in life doesn't necessarily mean becoming a doctor or a lawyer like our parents would like for us to think it does. Succeeding means being happy. So if you're happy staring in porn, being a struggling author, or in fact with your hands in a bloody chest cavity you are succeeding.
Life is short. So short. So why would you ever want to do something that makes you unhappy?
You are going to die. Say it to yourself. "I am going to die." You could die today, tomorrow, fifty years from now. It doesn't matter. It is going to happen. So why are you still torturing yourself; working for that boss that doesn't understand how good you really are, hiding in a closet when all you really wanna do is scream to world 'I'm gay', or living with a spouse that you can't stand. It's called divorce and it's okay. You. You need to be happy. Nobody else is going to make you happy. We're all looking out for ourselves. Now of course you can't be happy all the time. Life isn't perfect, but we have choices. We have some control. So look out for yourself. Are you, right now, happy?
Makes you think, doesn't it.
Let's try an excersise
This is inspired by Morrie...or rather really Mitch.
'You have 24 hours to live, and you can do anything. Anything that makes you happy. What is your perfect day?'
Mine would start off with me waking up around 4:30am. I'd have a perfect cup of black coffee (no cream, no sugar) and I'd go to my computer and write. I'd write for a good 3 hours, finish a novel, or maybe just write a short story. I'd take a shower, let the water soak me into a raisin. Get dressed in something that makes me feel beautiful. Dab on a little makeup. Then I'd go to brunch with everyone I know. Order the most delicious most expensive thing on the menu, the fattier the better, and actually sit and eat food. We'd talk...about anything and everything. I'd hop on a plane, with only those closest to me. Go to a remote beach. I'd read a book, any good book, before running of and making love for the last time in a reef. Then I'd take out the chairs, have my feet in the current of the water, moon shining on us and have food served. A bottle of champagne, to celebrate a good life. We'd talk. Laugh. Cry.

What's yours?

I want you to want me

 As people we are all looking for the same basic thing in order to get by in life. We need to be needed, to be accepted, to be wanted so we tend to group with people who share a set of attitudes, values, goals, and practices. We become a cultivation of people all working and practicing to achieve them.

The difference? Location, Religion, and all those other things that politics finds important. 

I love Europe, it's beautiful. The food is just...*drools* and the people, the people are happy. They don't own as much stuff, they don't pile on excessive work loads, and they know how to relax how to have time for themselves. I was walking around the south of Italy one day, looking for a place to eat. and everything was closed. So I peer into a window, there on the floor people are napping. Siesta. Why? Because work is tiring, it drains you, it's stressful and if we let it, it will get the best of you. 

In France I walked into a house that was pretty empty, there was a couch, a couple bookshelves lining the walls (with beautiful antique books) and some paintings. No TV's, no electronics. When I asked why they simply smiled and walked me to their backyard. It was breathtaking. Lines of vegetables and fruits. Wooden swings and this beautiful brown fire pit. They told me that a home was for two things, sleeping and cooking, but the rest they did outside, they enjoyed the beauty of earth. 

And here I am sitting on my $2000 Mac, in my bedroom, my TV is right next to me, my iPhone is on my lap. I have a Nook piled up on top of my overfilled bookshelf and a camera is charging on my windowsill and this is just my bedroom.

When I travel I look at the smiling faces and I always wonder, am I ever that happy or am I just consumed by all the little things in my life. I am envious of their culture and yet we have so much in common. We are all looking for something to make us happy, someone to love us (whether it be a friend or a lover). We all smile and cry. Take away the skin, the eyes, the hair and you see bones, muscle, arteries, a beating heart. 

So we stick with the people that we were brought up to stick with by society and we form groups, cultures and yet we are all the same. Funny how that works isn't it?

Yes or No

Have you ever noticed that life is a series of questions? I know, that was deep, I felt the goosebumps too, don't worry you're not alone.
Seriously though, it seems everywhere you turn you're asked to sign something, agree to something, choose one thing over the other. Doctors ask you questions, teachers ask you questions. Your dates! Your dates basically consist of questions...and nudity...but mainly questions.
Sometime I wonder if anybody is even bothering to read what I'm taking the time to fill out. So here is a survey, a questionnaires if you will. And I promise I'll read it :)

On Grey's Anatomy I support
-Owen and Cristina
-Alex and Izzie
-Mark and Callie
-Callie and Arizona
-Mark and Lexie
-Meredith and Derek
-Other (Please put your favorite)
*Choose one and answer in the box below.

Now wasn't that fun? But did I learn anything about YOU as a person or did you just become a number in the survey.
Surveys are like that, they are after one basic thing, they don't care if you've been watching the show since 2005 and you've changed your favorite couples ten times. They want to know what you like now, they want to know quick and then they leave you alone.
Interviews on the other hand, interviews get to know the real you. People who care about really (and I mean really) getting to the heart of the topic, they'll ask to interview you, they'll ask why Cristina and Owen are you're favorite, they'll ask which couple is your least favorite; they might even bring up your parents relationships, and your relationships, that way they know every thought that went through your head when you decided that Mark and Callie were perfect for each other.
Telemarketers are pros at surveys, they ask you a simple question: Sir/Mam, could I interest you in a [insert useless product or service here]? Personally I usually pick up and hang up before they can say anything, or if I'm in a really cranky mood I'll yell...and I'll yell loud. If I'm feeling funny I'll pick up and answer in an accent, pretending to be my own housekeeper. I know it's "wrong" but I spend my day answering so many questions that I really don't need someone calling my house asking me if I am happy with my current television network. If I wasn't happy, I would do something about it. Would it be different if they started with 'Hi, my name is [Sarah/Beth/John/Bob] and I'm calling to get to know what you think about [Insert Television show], Oh you don't get the channel that plays that show? Well let me tell you about [insert Dish Network, Comcast, blah blah blah].'
I'd like to think I'd put my accent away and listen, but knowing me, I'd probably just end up slamming the phone in its stand.

Freaks and Geeks

Before I start, can I just say how cute he grew up? (Gotta have love for Dr. Sweets)

Hehe...Where was I?
Oh right, conflict perspective. The conflict perspective is a view of society that posits conflict as a normal feature of social life. According to its adherents, conflict influences the distribution of power and the direction and magnitude of social change.

So basically bullies bully to climb up the power chain. 

Bully

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V

Bullied

Freaks and geeks; the nerds (shown as upper class) get picked on by the seemingly lower class bullies, druggies, 'freaks'. Isn't that the way it's always been? The weak get picked on by the stronger, tougher, bigger kids; the ones that seem to have all the power?
Now which one are you? Don't say anything...close your eyes, picture a small and defenseless kid. Are you his friend? Or are you stuffing him into locker 213? Keep your eyes closed. There is a big kid standing in front of you, huge. They're snarling. Are you the weak and defenseless one getting shoved in a locker? Or are you even bigger than that kid? Can you take them on?
Are either of these positions you want to be in? Either the weak or the bully?
Don't sit their shaking your head at your computer screen, don't pretend you never said anything behind someone's back, or took a path that you knew would help put you on top. Being on top is where we all want to be. It's what we should be aiming for, but people do get hurt in the process. If you snicker at the girl with the mismatching socks, or avoid the hallways you know the guy with tattoos, who chain smokes takes then you are acknowledging that the way we see people, and the way we group them in society makes us links in the chain for power.
So are you a bully? a nerd? a jock? a freak? a geek? Are you just another link on the chain?

This I Believe

In life, it is said, that you are your biggest competition. So what do you do when you have to defeat your biggest competition? Do you go around punching yourself, or let one side of you win? Is it even possible to defeat a part of you without loosing yourself completley?
To believe is to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something without absolute proof that one is right in doing so.
You can believe in a god, in a religion, in your family, the earth, science...but ultimately if you do not have that belief in your self, can you get anywhere in life?
I believe in what I can see, what I can touch, what is presented in front of me. The sky is blue because that's what my eyes tell me it is, a rock doesn't bounce because when I throw it on the ground it doesn't bounce. Facts. Now I'm not saying that anything out of reach isn't real, I believe that a miracle can happen now and then. We can get lucky and miraculously heal from a deadly disease, land a man on mars, all that hubbub, but it doesn't happen often. So why put your belief to chance?  
I've grown up around people who have a strong belief in heaven, in god, that their life is some kind of 'test' in order for them to prosper when they die. Before, it used to bug me, because I didn't get it, because I didn't share the same belief.
They believe in God and Religion like I believe that Mark and Callie (from Grey's) belong together. Two very different things, but one passion.
 So in the end when you look at yourself in the mirror you have to realize that you're looking at your biggest enemy, your biggest competition, and your biggest support system. Ultimately, you have to believe in yourself. Believe that you believe that the sky is blue, but someone may see it as purple. Believe that you don't believe in a god, but a friend prays to one every day. And if just for a moment you start doubting yourself, have the ability to beat yourself, don't change your beliefs for anyone but yourself, because you are the one that matters. Believe in your beliefs. Believe in yourself

First Post

Hello new blog :)
I'm pretty excited to have yet another blog on my plate. As a firm believer in 'One Can Never Have Too Many Outlets' and 'Who Needs a Journal When You Have the Internet' I couldn't be more excited.

Q: What are the biggest influences in your life? What are your goals/purposes in life?

A: I don't think I've ever had any big influences on my life. I would guess that a lot of people would choose their parents? Maybe a teacher? There hasn't been any person that has inspired me to do something, or to be someone. I look at everyone in my life from an observational view. I love people watching. No one person is the same, they don't walk the same, the don't dress the same. Some fidget while they talk, others are motionless. There's the hand holding. The secret glances exchanged when they think the rest aren't looking. You notice a lot with music in your ears, a bag of chips (preferably Lay's) in your hands, just sitting; watching people.
I think in someway every person that enters my life has influenced me somehow. The simple act of kindness, or when someone shares something personal with you, that makes a big difference.
A strange influence on my life has been the entertainment world. I have had the honor to meet some amazing people, and the rare opportunities to 'stalk' others. They dreamed big. They reached their goals. I think that's pretty phenomenal. Grey's Anatomy has also played a big part in my life. In 2005 the medical drama was created and from day one I was hooked. The actors who played doctors? They were fearless, they were all different, and they were doing good. Not too far after, I watched an open heart surgery with my mother at a hospital. As soon as the doctors two hands reached in and pulled the heart out of the chest cavity, I knew. That's going to be me. Ever since, I've been reaching that goal.
I'm going to be a doctor. I inspired that in myself. I am the driving force in my life, as we are all in our own lives. We are our own inspiration and we have to dream big.